


Sherlock's Reviews of Classic Fairy Tales

by sherlohomora



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Drabble, Fairy Tales, Fluff, Humor, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Parentlock, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-20 05:26:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10655844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherlohomora/pseuds/sherlohomora
Summary: Just a fun thing I originally posted on Tumblr, collected here in an easier-to-read format.





	Sherlock's Reviews of Classic Fairy Tales

John’s started reading classic fairy tales to Rosie at bedtime. Here are Sherlock’s reviews (on a scale of 1 to 5 stars):

 **Little Red Riding Hood:**  ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

“I admire the girl’s independence, but this idiot child doesn’t recognize the difference between her beloved grandmother and a dangerous WOLF? The SAME WOLF she met in the forest less than an hour ago? And you think MY disguises are silly…”

 **Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs:**   **★** **★** ☆ ☆ ☆

“I like the part about the Evil Queen demanding Snow White’s heart – nice and macabre. So Snow White runs away to the forest and becomes a housekeeper for a gang of diminutive gay miners?  They should’ve just ended the story there – I don’t care for all that pointless, predictable nonsense about the poison apple and the prince.”

 **Goldilocks and the Three Bears** :  ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

“If those bears were any worse at deduction, they’d work for New Scotland Yard.” 

“Thought you might relate to Goldilocks, love – you’re both picky, impatient, show zero respect for others’ personal property…” 

“Oh please, John. Goldilocks is a _moron_ – now, if Rosie wants to learn how to perform a _proper_ home invasion…”  

“ _No_.”

**The Three Little Pigs:  ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆**

****“It’s a scam, obviously. At least two of these pig brothers are guilty of insurance fraud, and the third may be in on it as well. A wolf BLEW your house down? While straw and sticks may not be the sturdiest of building materials, the lung capacity of the average fully grown _Canis lupus_ is not great enough to produce the force necessary to demolish even an exceedingly shoddy dwelling.”

**The Little Mermaid:  ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆**

“Why no pirates? Would be better with pirates.”

**Rapunzel: **★** **★** ☆ ☆ ☆**

“I’d like to know Rapunzel’s diet, genetic makeup (or at least ethnicity), cranial circumference, surface area of her scalp, the height of the tower, the surrounding climate and humidity level, what sort of shampoo/conditioner she used, whether or not she used hairspray or styling product …numerous variables affect the tensile strength and growth rate of human hair, you know…“

 **Sleeping Beauty** :  ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

“Sleep is tedious.”

 **Cinderella:**   **★** **★** **★** ☆ ☆ 

“I love a ball. The ball is good – beautiful gown, the prince in his dress uniform, love at first sight, dancing the night away, AND a mystery! Yet it’s all ruined because I can’t stand the utter STUPIDITY of trying the glass slipper on every eligible maiden in the land…it doesn’t take a deductive genius to recognize that’s a waste of time!”

 **Rumpelstiltskin:**   **★** **★** **★**   **★** ☆

“This one actually has some valuable lessons. For one thing, someone is always listening – royal minions in a fairy tale, Mycroft’s cameras and covert agents, the homeless network…we’re under surveillance of some sort at all times. Be vigilant, be aware, observe. Also, if you happen to have a ridiculous name, OWN IT – there’s no point trying to keep it a secret, because it’ll come out eventually, JOHN HAMISH WATSON.”

 **The Princess and the Pea:**   **★** **★** **★** **★**   **★**

“I can relate. Extraordinarily sensitive skin is a blessing and a curse – of course, with the right prince, waking up sore can feel WONDERFUL. However, though I’m all for experimentation, I think peas are best enjoyed in that thing you make for dinner, John, and not in bed.”

 **Pinocchio: **★** ** ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

“Oh, is this the one about that erection-face puppet boy? Really, John, I’m surprised you’re comfortable exposing our precious daughter to such filth.”

“Sherlock! It’s a _nice_ story about listening to your conscience and not telling lies!”

“Wrong. It’s about an old Italian pedophile and his kinky wooden sex doll.”

“GEPPETTO IS NOT A PERV!”

 **The Emperor’s New Clothes:**   ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ 

“I inadvertently ruined this one for myself because I pictured the pompous, self-absorbed, know-it-all emperor looking like Mycroft. I didn’t REALIZE where the story was going! Now I can’t seem to delete the mental image of my flabby elder brother parading about in the nude. My only comfort is the knowledge that, obnoxious prig though he may be, Mycroft’s hardly a fool. He’s the most cynical man on the planet and would never fall for such a dumb prank. Nevertheless, I can’t possibly give this story any stars and ask that you refrain from reading it ever again.”

 **Beauty and the Beast:**   **★** **★** **★** **★**   **★**

“I love a romance between flatmates, palace-mates, whatever. I suppose she was technically his prisoner, but she didn’t try very hard to escape, now, did she? This teaches a good lesson: don’t write someone off because he’s rude/antisocial – be brave and try to get to know him. Chances are, it’s a mask…underneath it all, he’s sensitive and lonely and scared. I also relate to the part where the beast lets her go back to her father…sometimes you have to let the ones you love go because you value their happiness. You have to trust that they’ll come back. And if it’s true love, they always do – right, John? I also enjoyed this tale because that meddling teapot reminds me of Mrs. Hudson.”

 **Puss in Boots** :   **★**   **★** ☆ ☆ ☆

“Ugh, this makes me think of that horrendous cat calendar Molly hung in the lab at Bart’s. She believes felines dressed in ‘people-clothes’ are ‘adorable’ – she’s sorely mistaken. Vile imagery aside, I do appreciate a good swindle, and the cat in this story was an excellent con artist.” 

**The Ugly Duckling: ★ ★ ★ ★ ☆**

“I found myself rather unexpectedly moved by this story –”

“I’ll say. You were tearing up, love. We had to pause for a cuddle-break.”

“Yes, well…those stupid ducklings kept _teasing_ him…brought up some unpleasant memories. From now on, no more feeding the ducks in the park – they don’t deserve your bread.”

“Sherlock–”

“Okay, fine, feed them if you must, but only the stalest of bread. And don’t try to feed the swans – they can be very nasty and aggressive. Better to admire from afar. l believe The Royal Ballet is doing _Swan Lake_ next season – I’ll get us tickets.”

**Chicken Little:  ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆**

“If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: _‘It is a capital mistake to theorize in advance of the facts. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts.’_ The sky is falling? Seriously? Chickens are idiots.”

**General Comments from SH:**

-Most fairy tales would be better with pirates.

-Where are all the dragons? I was told there'd be dragons.

-These stories are so gay, and yet all the romances are hetero? Dull. Need more stories about Princes in Love, kissing each other awake and dancing together at balls.

-John's wolf voice is very sexy indeed.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Find me at Sherlohomora.tumblr.com -- especially if you like lots of parentlock headcanons


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